Family counseling with adult children

Family counseling with adult children requires an ability to consider family dynamics through the lifetime. As we get older we have to make decisions about where we want to live and what we want our lives to look like. Sometimes the expectations children have of us can become an added pressure that is difficult to maneuver, and that is where family counseling can be helpful.

Expectations and adult children

As parents we spend our lives trying to raise responsible caring individuals by teaching them values we feel are important and should guide their actions throughout their lives, especially when we as older adults are declining and are most in need of help. Self sacrifice is an ideal that is very important and precious in many families. Having a very strong work ethic, being there for each other, helping out whenever necessary, giving children everything they need to succeed, and not being selfish are guiding principles we never want to have to relax, no matter what problems are faced in life. Family counseling discussions about these thoughts and feelings can be an important way to process changes in family dynamics.

Unfortunately, as we grow older and we face declining health and a more limited amount of life to enjoy, we need to think about what is important to us, what are our needs, and what will bring the greatest joy and meaning to the rest of our lives. Limitations due to health, or restrictions for other reasons can play a part in what parents are able to do as older adults, and disappointing family members can be a new and painful experience.  Family counseling with adult children allows for an exploration of what options will address needs more specifically.

Having an honest discussion about expectations can help bring about a negotiation process that will be respectful, sensitive and reasonable. The goal is to try to do it from a place of understanding, forgiveness and acceptance. Delineating what is a reasonable expectation, what is important to respect, and what is considered to be overly controlling or overly intrusive can be important so that healthy boundaries are maintained.

Boundaries and family counseling

Boundaries are like a set of expectations that you have for others and how they treat you. When we have clear boundaries, we are respecting ourselves and others in a way that is being honest with our core feelings and who we really are inside. Setting healthy boundaries with family members can be a struggle because they can make things seem worse at first. Being true to yourself and others shows that you are important and respect yourself and will hopefully model that behavior for them and help them feel more able to advocate for their needs as well.

The great thing is that the more you create boundaries with others, the easier it becomes. It is a skill that you become better at and you will gain a greater sense of awareness of your needs and how to meet them in these relationships.Unfortunately, issues related to drug abuse or serious mental illness may affect a relative’s ability to make rational decisions, be respectful, or consider different perspectives. When there is the possibility of physical, emotional, mental abuse, or exploitation, a normal family process may not be possible and self-protection is the priority. Professional help that specializes in family counseling with adult children may need to be enlisted. 

Establishing healthy boundaries

With healthy boundaries come healthy expectations and the opportunity to consider each other‘s feelings and desires. Sometimes it has to do with a childhood home and making permanent residence elsewhere. Sometimes it has to do with child care issues and possibly taking care of children or pets. It is OK to say no and have limits on what the expectation is of you. It is okay to say you are not comfortable with an expectation and ask for more time to figure out what you want your life to look like. Taking the time to figure out the limits you want to have on relationships can help you make sure that other people are not taking advantage of you. It can avoid awkward conversations, resentments and bitterness later on.

One of the values that you have instilled in your children is the ability to fight for themselves, and this may be one of the times that you need to show them how to do it. Hopefully they respect your decisions about your life, and you can do the same for them. At some point parents and children need to accept that they are individuals and have differing needs desires and wants, and those differences are part of the variety that make up families and the chaos that makes an exciting life. 

By Rebeca Bright, PsyD

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